HELP! How do i end this

[dcseain]

I started this, but have no clue how to conclude it. HELP! I don't care if you know what Samhain is, i just need input. THANKS!

EDIT: I think i'm going to keep working on this one beyond the Samhain Service, and polish into what i know it can be. So, input on it as a zero-draft poem are most welcome.


EDIT the Second: Some suggestons from mergyeugnau, delivered via IM, have been incorporated, hence the strikthroughs.


Gaia Circle welcomes you to Samhain 2006.

As Summer ends, days shorten,
as the Darkness that is Night,
little by little,
comes to rule our World.

As Summer ends, we see
the trees change:
some are green,
some are yellow,
some brilliantare orange,
a few a fiery red,
others are already bare.

As Summer ends,
the bare trees
set their buds in
preparation for Spring,
when some trees again
will be bare
and some trees again
will be green, while others
will burst forth in colour
ephemeral, for our eyes to enjoy.

As Summer ends, the days are
still pleasantly warm,
but the nights have an
uncomfortable, foreboding
chill about them.

As Summer ends, those empty
trees let us see that Orion now
rises in the East
and Scorpius now
sets in the West,
forever chasing one another
through the dark heavens,
struggling in the epic battle of
Life and Death.

As Summer ends, we find
ourselves in this wondrous,
sacred, and holy time,
between the warm and
the cold, between
the light and the
impending dark

As Summer ends, we embrace
the Dark, and realize that the
dearly departed, the wee folk,
and others walk among us for
a few days as we all exist together,
here,
between the worlds.

Comments

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

First, I particularly like:
between the warm and
the cold, between
the light and the
impending dark

Second, does it need more? It doesn't trail off or anything...that seems like a reasonable ending.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Perhaps it does not need more. I like that part, too, it fit so well. Does it capture Samhain reasonably? Is it coherent, does the imagery work? I'm totally open to edits.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reviewing it so quickly, also. :">

[ftemery.livejournal.com]

I love the way it goes in a full circle; I think your ending is perfect. It has a nice build up to it.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Full circle? Hm. Fall/Spring, Life/Death, Orion/Scorpius. Those are all definitely cyclical things. I'd apprecaite you expanding on your concept of full circle relative to the piece. Thank you.

[ftemery.livejournal.com]

Well, in some ways, writing, like music, is pleasing to me when it ends back where it started - perhaps I'm just thinking of some classics that repeat the theme. My wife writes for money - I just read a lot - but I liked the poem you put up very much - everything led to the next thing, and it reminds me that even though this time of year is an ending, it leads to a beginning. I don't know the premise of Samhein, but I'm assuming it's a cyclical event, a flow. The poem presents that, to me. Very nicely.

ending

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

As Summer ends / Fall begins

(Or something along those lines)

[chaosdancer.livejournal.com]

As summer ends, let us gather
Hearth fire beckons; warmth enfolds.
Harvest moon watches from above
as we prepare ourselves for the dark time.
We warm each other with the season's bounty
Hot cider, shared with joy
Carved pumpkins light our way
Gather together; we are the warmth we seek
Find it in each other's eyes.
This season's treasure: the joy of connection.


(or something like that. :)

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I will consider this concept as i move forward with the editing process.

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

Overall, I like it. I think the area where it needs the most work is in scansion. I'm pushing towards a more steady iambic rhythm, so if that's not what you're looking for, disregard those ideas. I'm making a bunch of specific suggestions, but I think you've got a solid base to work from, so don't feel like this is negative criticism.

First stanza: good beginning. Needs something after "little by little"; "bit by bit" or "day by day", maybe?

Stanza 2: colors good. I'd remove "a" before "fiery red". Last line is a bit stumbly. Hmm... don't like the repeated "others". Maybe change red to "and some a fiery red" and then do "others are already bare" after a semi-colon or full stop. Might be a better word than "brilliant".

3: a bit repetitious, but fixable. Try 'barren' instead of 'bare' in line 2, and pull the two instances of 'trees' after the first. I like "setting the buds", that's very nice. Now you have "some again will be bare / and some again will be green" and it cries out for "/ and others yet will ...". I like the bursting, but color is a weak word in poetry and the phrase doesn't flow. Maybe something with 'blossom' or 'flower' or 'bloom' instead?

4: good contrast. I think it would be stronger with an evocative active verb describing how the nights have gained that chill, instead of just having it. Scans irregularly, but I think it can work.

5: I like this stanza. Would it work better closer to the ones about trees? Maybe swap 4 and 5? How about, instead of "and Scorpius now", using "hunting Scorpius who"? And try "across the darkened" instead of "through the dark". I don't like "struggling in the epic battle"; it's too much. How about simply "The eternal struggle" for that line?

6: warm/cold and light/dark is good; holy/sacred is fine; wondrous is not working for me. "a wondrous" instead of "this wondrous" might, but I'd be inclined just to leave it out altogether. "we find ourselves in a sacred and holy time" is enough, I think.

7: This stanza is going to the right place, but it needs more... something. "Realize" is not pulling the weight it needs to, it's too abstract. You need a more concrete verb there. (Sadly, I have no suggestions.) Try "our dearly departed" instead of just "the dearly departed". I think you need to separate everything after "walk among us" into a new sentence (though you could use a semi-colon instead of a period to preserve the one-sentence-per-stanza structure you've got going). Try something like "a scant few days we coexist, here, between the worlds".

8: New ending suggestion: "As Summer dies, Winter is born. / And tonight we are Between."

It'll do quite well as a Samhain invocation!

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! It will evolve more, but you really help me a lot getting it to serviceable for the Ritual, which went smashingly.

We closed with the congregation singing Turn, Turn, Turn at the suggestion of one of my co-presenters, which worked well, too - helped lighten the mood a bit at the end, and emphasized the cyclicalness of life.

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

I'm basically happy with it, but could do without all those "some"s in the tree verse. Also, the trees which are still green haven't changed (I'm assuming evergreen rather than late-changing deciduous) and aren't gong to.

I'm not sure how it could/should be different. I suspect you're talking about the change in the appearance of the landscape more than individual trees (which would go with the panoramic effect of the constellations moving as the year goes on).

I was hoping for something about the insects--one sign of fall is that the sound of the crickets slows then stops.

As I reread it, I'm wondering if "darkness comes to rule our world" is a little too permanent sounding, considering that most of the rest of the poem is about cycles. "Darkness comes to our world" maybe?

[mobmama.livejournal.com]

i really like your samhain poem. i do agree that it could use something more -- perhaps something a little more personal to each individual, or how these changes affect us.......
for me, samhain is about the things you mentioned, but it is also about Letting Go and Saying Goodbye -- to friends and family who have passed on, to ideas and beleifs and people who no longer fit in our lives, as well as to summer . . . . .
hugs,
M