古崇賢的学报

The first two drafts of this poem are linked here, in this post. I want to incorporate some aspects of chaosdancer's comments on Draft 0, though i may save her input as the core for the Yule poem. Oh, i've decided to do a cycle of 8 for the major Wiccan Shabbats, plus probably 2, one for New Moon, and one for Full Moon, and probably Harvest Moon, and Blood Moon, and i'm forgetting a moon to round out the cycle to 13. Thirteens have been very good to me in this life, it's my favourite number. All the jobs that have gone best for me i either interviewed, or started work, on the 13th.

Anyway, back to the poem. I've lopped off the ending from Draft 1, unless others of you think it should stay, though who knows, it may reappear. The n-dashes will become m-dashes, and i'm debating counting a fulls stop mid-line as a syllable. I'll try reading it aloud again before committing to that. I've tightened it up rhythmically a lot this draft.

I think i'll end up keeping the random-length stanzas, as these will be mini-epic in format, i think; ooooh, maybe a single epic in 13 parts... . I standardized the first line of the stanzas this draft, too; thank you nancylebov for that suggestion. As Summer Ends is the working title, though it may end up just being Samhain, or if choosing the epic format, The Wheel of the Year.

Part of me might rather do a cycle to the Native American cycle, as that's my tradition, though i think it need be a separate project. Anyhow, ( off to draft 2 the poem )

And feedback, as always, is most welcome.

Thank you all for your input to date; it's much appreciated and has made for a much more elequent opening.

A couple of you suggested adding the last sentence at the beginning, followed by a longish pause. I've not found a good way to introduce a big breath at the beginning without being redundant. Closest i've come is Good Morning. All together now, big, cleansing breath in…and out. Nothing clears the mind and focuses the body like a good, deep breath., which doesn't quite do it. I think repeating the last sentence at the top doesn't work either.Do you think it's necessary?

For reference, the previous threads on this are, from most recent to oldest, here, here, here, and here.

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( The final, or damned close to final, version. )

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A co-worker who has been proofreading for me knew what liminal meant, but had to ask me what cyclic meant. Heh.

Much very useful comment happened in this post. Thank you all. Following is a much updated doc:( This does set a mood, doesn't it? )Further comments, editoral or otherwise, are quite welcome. Oh, btw, MS Word insists that the penultimate paragraph, starting "Sacred because...", is a fragment.

Sailing the Sunless Sea is the theme for this year's Samhain service at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Silver Spring. I'm one of the presenters of the service, and my primary job is the opening words. Sailing the Sunless Sea is the primary theme, with a leitmotif of breath/breathing. So, my keywords for writing were:

• Grim
• Breath
• Sea
• Water
• Salt
• Tears

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( Here's my 1st draft (i started with a 0 draft) of my opening words. Feedback is VERY welcome )

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Edit/comment ruthlessly, please.