As Summer Ends - incomplete Draft 2

[dcseain]

The first two drafts of this poem are linked here, in this post. I want to incorporate some aspects of chaosdancer's comments on Draft 0, though i may save her input as the core for the Yule poem. Oh, i've decided to do a cycle of 8 for the major Wiccan Shabbats, plus probably 2, one for New Moon, and one for Full Moon, and probably Harvest Moon, and Blood Moon, and i'm forgetting a moon to round out the cycle to 13. Thirteens have been very good to me in this life, it's my favourite number. All the jobs that have gone best for me i either interviewed, or started work, on the 13th.

Anyway, back to the poem. I've lopped off the ending from Draft 1, unless others of you think it should stay, though who knows, it may reappear. The n-dashes will become m-dashes, and i'm debating counting a fulls stop mid-line as a syllable. I'll try reading it aloud again before committing to that. I've tightened it up rhythmically a lot this draft.

I think i'll end up keeping the random-length stanzas, as these will be mini-epic in format, i think; ooooh, maybe a single epic in 13 parts... . I standardized the first line of the stanzas this draft, too; thank you nancylebov for that suggestion. As Summer Ends is the working title, though it may end up just being Samhain, or if choosing the epic format, The Wheel of the Year.

Part of me might rather do a cycle to the Native American cycle, as that's my tradition, though i think it need be a separate project. Anyhow, draft 2 of the poem:

As Summer ends, we see
the long days grow shorter,
as the Darkness that is
Night,little by little,
comes in turn to rule our World.

As Summer ends, we see
the trees change: some stay green,
others go yellow or
turn orange, a special
few burn fiery red;
others are already bare.

As Summer ends, we see
the denuded treesset their
buds in preparation for
Spring, when some again will
be bare and a few yet
still green, while others will
burst forth in ephemeral
bloom for our eyes to enjoy.


As Summer ends, we see
through those empty trees that
Orion now rises
in the East hunting and
fleeing Scorpius now
hiding in the West, one
forever chasing the
other through the dark,
in the eternal battle of
Life and Death.

As Summer ends, we see
the days still pleasantly
warm, but find the nights take
on an uncomfortable,
foreboding chill.

As Summer ends, we see
ourselves in this holy
and sacred time, between
the warm and the cold, between
the light and the
impending dark

As Summer ends, we see
and embrace the Dark, and we
perceive that our dearly
departed, the wee folk,
and others, walk among us -
for a scant few days as
we all exist together,
here - between the worlds.

As Summer dies, Winter
is born- and now we are
Between,

And feedback, as always, is most welcome.

Comments

[chaosdancer.livejournal.com]

You've got time to work on it; the astrological Samhain (when the sun is 15 degrees Scorpio) isn't until November 8th. :)

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Yep, i noticed the moon last night, and realized that astronomically, it was yet days away. :)

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Orion now rises
in the East hunting and
fleeing Scorpius now
hiding in the West,

is hard to parse, or at least I had to work out that hunting was attached to Orion rather than "hunting and fleeing" being one phrase.

our dearly
departed, the wee folk,
and others,

Who are the others?

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Orion was banished to the sky to perpetually hunt Scorpious, who in turn is perpetually hunting him. So they are simultaneously each hunting the other and each fleeing the ohter. Totally up for reworking that, as i see how it's very unclear for anyone not familiar with the mythos. The constelations are 180 degrcees apart in the sky, and are part of the band that is visible in both hemispheres; we see Scorpius in the Summer, and Orion in the Winter here in the North.

As for the others, who live beyond the veil?:

• those who are dead
• those waiting to be born
• wee folk (faeries, middle-earth folk)
• non-corporeal beings, both beneficent and maleficent

Two years ago my invocation listed all in more-or-less that order, as a three-minute primer on Samhain. I can find that text for you if it would be useful.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Oh, and looking back at it this AM, i agree that that the Orion bit is hard to parse, even when read aloud. So it will get thoroughly reworked.

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Thanks. And I should have been clearer about the others--I wasn't sure if you were aiming for a sort of generic eerieness--it didn't work for me in that sense. Unless you think people will remember who you're including, I recommned repeating the list this time.