Flow & Semantics Editing HELP Please

[dcseain]

I'm polishing my opening words for this year's Samhain service, the theme of which is Sailing the Sunless Sea, with a leitmotif of breath/breathing.

Each of you was a huge help in finding the right words. Now i need help putting them in the right order.

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1. We know someone has died when they stop breathing; the chest falls but does not rise again. The last breath carries the soul out of the body, blessed by the salty water of tears shed by those in witness, and by those who later mourn.

2. Beyond the veil, the water, and salt, and sorrow, of those tears help fill a sunless sea - an island floating in its centre; a liminal place neither in the here, nor in the beyond. An island of apple trees perpetually in bloom and perpetually bearing fruit so that no one ever hungers, nor wants for beauty.

3. According to the Britannic tradition, souls go to that island when they pass. Call it Apple Island, The Land Beyond the Veil, The Misty Isle, Avalon, Annwyn, or what you will. Know that it is there for you to breathe its fruity goodness amid the isolation of the great Sunless Sea.

4. Last year at this Samhain ceremony I told you of the origins of pumpkin carving, why we give out food at this time of year, and the thinning of the veil between the worlds, which allows the dearly departed ancestors, the wee folk, and the yet to be born to roam among us at this holy and sacred time of year.

5. Holy because this is a time for looking back; for remembering; for acknowledging those who have passed while being thankful for the breath we draw, and the memories we carry — a time to embrace life joyously while yet we mourn those we have lost.

6. Sacred because Samhain is liminal – a space between the physical and the ethereal; a time between death and birth; a place between the here and the beyond, as the beach between the land and the sea.

7. Breathe deeply and join us in honouring those who have died before us.

---

As i see it, paragraphs, 1, 2,3, & 7 logically go together, as do paragraphs 4,5, &6. I need transition between them. I'm thinking i'd like to make it flow 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7 if possible. HELP!

Comments

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

I like the order you've got, except that I'd put 7 at the beginning as well as at the end.

It may need another paragraph between 6 and 1 to make the transition between the literal/liminal beach and the sea of tears.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Er, the order tehy're posted in, or the order i think i'd rather?

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

The order you think you'd like. In fact, I didn't read your post carefully enough to see that you'd listed an order, and came up with the same one on my own.

[tovahs.livejournal.com]

Breathe deeply and join us in honouring those who have died before us.

You are probably done editing but.... isn't "died before us" redundent? I I would drop the before us.

I like the 7,(long pause)4,5,6,1,2,3,7

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

From one angle, "those who have died before us" is redundant, but it's also a way of saying that just being alive doesn't make you immortal. There may be a more elegant way of getting the idea across.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Yep, and i'm open to suggestion on how to say that more eleegantly.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

As nancylebov said, it's there to stress our own mortality. I'm open to suggestions as to how to phrase it more elegantly. I will drop the 'before us' at the start, if i choose to use it at the beginning also. There seems to be a degree of consenses that that would work.

From the Most Fabulous Lorelei

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

i think that

1, the reference to last year doesn't add anything, so
i took it out

2. that there's a parallel between breathing and life
itself, that you're getting at, and so i put that in.

3. too much exposition about the isle. it's just a
metaphor, after all.

FWIW.

4. This is time of year that has the thinning of the
veil between the worlds, which allows the dearly
departed ancestors, the wee folk, and the yet to be
born to roam among us at this holy and sacred time of
year.

5. Holy because this is a time for looking back; for
remembering; for acknowledging those who have passed
while being thankful for the breath we draw, and the
memories we carry — a time to embrace life joyously
while yet we mourn those we have lost.

6. Sacred because Samhain is liminal [this word is a
little obscure - maybe flickering, shadowy] – a space
between the physical and the ethereal; a time between
death and birth; a place between the here and the
beyond, as the beach between the land and the sea.

Breathing, like life itself, is cyclic. The end of
each breath brings the start of the next; the death of
each soul brings space for a new life.

1. We know someone has died when they stop breathing;
the chest falls but does not rise again. The last
breath carries the soul out of the body, blessed by
the salty water of tears shed by those in witness, and
by those who later mourn.

2. Beyond the veil, the water, and salt, and sorrow,
of those tears help fill a sunless sea - an island
floating in its centre; a liminal place neither in the
here, nor in the beyond. An island of apple trees
perpetually in bloom and perpetually bearing fruit so
that no one ever hungers, nor wants for beauty.

3. Know that it is there for you to breathe its
goodness amid the isolation of the great Sunless Sea.


7. Breathe deeply and join us in honouring those who
have died before us.