Overall, I like it. I think the area where it needs the most work is in scansion. I'm pushing towards a more steady iambic rhythm, so if that's not what you're looking for, disregard those ideas. I'm making a bunch of specific suggestions, but I think you've got a solid base to work from, so don't feel like this is negative criticism.
First stanza: good beginning. Needs something after "little by little"; "bit by bit" or "day by day", maybe?
Stanza 2: colors good. I'd remove "a" before "fiery red". Last line is a bit stumbly. Hmm... don't like the repeated "others". Maybe change red to "and some a fiery red" and then do "others are already bare" after a semi-colon or full stop. Might be a better word than "brilliant".
3: a bit repetitious, but fixable. Try 'barren' instead of 'bare' in line 2, and pull the two instances of 'trees' after the first. I like "setting the buds", that's very nice. Now you have "some again will be bare / and some again will be green" and it cries out for "/ and others yet will ...". I like the bursting, but color is a weak word in poetry and the phrase doesn't flow. Maybe something with 'blossom' or 'flower' or 'bloom' instead?
4: good contrast. I think it would be stronger with an evocative active verb describing how the nights have gained that chill, instead of just having it. Scans irregularly, but I think it can work.
5: I like this stanza. Would it work better closer to the ones about trees? Maybe swap 4 and 5? How about, instead of "and Scorpius now", using "hunting Scorpius who"? And try "across the darkened" instead of "through the dark". I don't like "struggling in the epic battle"; it's too much. How about simply "The eternal struggle" for that line?
6: warm/cold and light/dark is good; holy/sacred is fine; wondrous is not working for me. "a wondrous" instead of "this wondrous" might, but I'd be inclined just to leave it out altogether. "we find ourselves in a sacred and holy time" is enough, I think.
7: This stanza is going to the right place, but it needs more... something. "Realize" is not pulling the weight it needs to, it's too abstract. You need a more concrete verb there. (Sadly, I have no suggestions.) Try "our dearly departed" instead of just "the dearly departed". I think you need to separate everything after "walk among us" into a new sentence (though you could use a semi-colon instead of a period to preserve the one-sentence-per-stanza structure you've got going). Try something like "a scant few days we coexist, here, between the worlds".
8: New ending suggestion: "As Summer dies, Winter is born. / And tonight we are Between."
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2006-10-25 06:01 am (UTC)First stanza: good beginning. Needs something after "little by little"; "bit by bit" or "day by day", maybe?
Stanza 2: colors good. I'd remove "a" before "fiery red". Last line is a bit stumbly. Hmm... don't like the repeated "others". Maybe change red to "and some a fiery red" and then do "others are already bare" after a semi-colon or full stop. Might be a better word than "brilliant".
3: a bit repetitious, but fixable. Try 'barren' instead of 'bare' in line 2, and pull the two instances of 'trees' after the first. I like "setting the buds", that's very nice. Now you have "some again will be bare / and some again will be green" and it cries out for "/ and others yet will ...". I like the bursting, but color is a weak word in poetry and the phrase doesn't flow. Maybe something with 'blossom' or 'flower' or 'bloom' instead?
4: good contrast. I think it would be stronger with an evocative active verb describing how the nights have gained that chill, instead of just having it. Scans irregularly, but I think it can work.
5: I like this stanza. Would it work better closer to the ones about trees? Maybe swap 4 and 5? How about, instead of "and Scorpius now", using "hunting Scorpius who"? And try "across the darkened" instead of "through the dark". I don't like "struggling in the epic battle"; it's too much. How about simply "The eternal struggle" for that line?
6: warm/cold and light/dark is good; holy/sacred is fine; wondrous is not working for me. "a wondrous" instead of "this wondrous" might, but I'd be inclined just to leave it out altogether. "we find ourselves in a sacred and holy time" is enough, I think.
7: This stanza is going to the right place, but it needs more... something. "Realize" is not pulling the weight it needs to, it's too abstract. You need a more concrete verb there. (Sadly, I have no suggestions.) Try "our dearly departed" instead of just "the dearly departed". I think you need to separate everything after "walk among us" into a new sentence (though you could use a semi-colon instead of a period to preserve the one-sentence-per-stanza structure you've got going). Try something like "a scant few days we coexist, here, between the worlds".
8: New ending suggestion: "As Summer dies, Winter is born. / And tonight we are Between."
It'll do quite well as a Samhain invocation!