I'm basically happy with it, but could do without all those "some"s in the tree verse. Also, the trees which are still green haven't changed (I'm assuming evergreen rather than late-changing deciduous) and aren't gong to.
I'm not sure how it could/should be different. I suspect you're talking about the change in the appearance of the landscape more than individual trees (which would go with the panoramic effect of the constellations moving as the year goes on).
I was hoping for something about the insects--one sign of fall is that the sound of the crickets slows then stops.
As I reread it, I'm wondering if "darkness comes to rule our world" is a little too permanent sounding, considering that most of the rest of the poem is about cycles. "Darkness comes to our world" maybe?
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branchandroot
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Date: 2006-10-25 12:13 pm (UTC)I'm not sure how it could/should be different. I suspect you're talking about the change in the appearance of the landscape more than individual trees (which would go with the panoramic effect of the constellations moving as the year goes on).
I was hoping for something about the insects--one sign of fall is that the sound of the crickets slows then stops.
As I reread it, I'm wondering if "darkness comes to rule our world" is a little too permanent sounding, considering that most of the rest of the poem is about cycles. "Darkness comes to our world" maybe?