Sailing the Sunless Sea - Rquest for Editing Help

[dcseain]

Sailing the Sunless Sea is the theme for this year's Samhain service at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Silver Spring. I'm one of the presenters of the service, and my primary job is the opening words. Sailing the Sunless Sea is the primary theme, with a leitmotif of breath/breathing. So, my keywords for writing were:

• Grim
• Breath
• Sea
• Water
• Salt
• Tears

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The proposed text:

We know someone has died becausewhen they stop breathing; the chest falls but does not rise again. The last breath is the one with which the soul leaves the body, blessed by the salty water of tears shed by those in witness, and by those who later mourn.

The water and salt and sorrow of those tears help fill a sunless sea beyond the veil in which laylies an island; a liminal place neither in the here, nor in the beyond. An island of apple trees perpetually in bloom and perpetually bearing fruit so that noneno one ever hungers, nor wants for beauty. According to the Britannic tradition, it is to that island that souls go when they pass. Call it Apple Island, The Land Beyond the Veil, The Misty Isle, Avalon, Annwyn, or what you will. Know that it is there for you to breathe its fruity goodness, amid the isolation of the great Sunless Sea.

Last year at this Samhain ceremony I spoke to you of the origins of pumpkin carving, the sharing of food and the thinning of the veil between the worlds which allows the dearly departed ancestors, the wee folk, and the yet to be born to roam among us at this holy and sacred time of year.

Holy because this is a time for looking back; for remembering; for acknowledging those who have passed while being thankful for the breath we draw, and the memories we carry. A time to embrace life joyously while yet we mourn those we have lost.

Sacred because Samhain is liminal – a space between the physical and the ethereal; a time between death and birth; a place between the here and the beyond, as the beach between the land and the sea.

Breathe deeply and join us in honouring those who have died before us.

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Edit/comment ruthlessly, please.

Comments

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

We know someone has died becausewhen they stop breathing; the chest falls but does not rise again. The last breath is the one with which the soul leaves the body The soul leaves the body with the last breath, blessed by the salty water of tears shed by those in witness, and by those who later mourn.

The water and salt and sorrow of those tears help fill a sunless sea beyond the veil in which lies where an island lies; a liminal place neither in the here, nor in the beyond. An island of apple trees perpetually in bloom and perpetually bearing fruit so that no one ever hungers, nor wants for beauty. According to the Britannic tradition, it is to that island that souls go when they pass. Call it Apple Island, The Land Beyond the Veil, The Misty Isle, Avalon, Annwyn, or what you will. Know that it is there for you to breathe its fruity goodness, amid the isolation of the great Sunless Sea.

Given my druthers, I'd get rid of phrases which seem to be efforts to avoid having the preposition at the end of the sentence. I *think* the that's I've struck out are unnecessary.

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

The last breath is the one with which the soul leaves the body The soul leaves the body with the last breath, blessed by the salty water of tears shed by those in witness, and by those who later mourn.

I see your point, and i think it's a good one. However, i want the emphasis on the breath rather than the soul. I'll think on that one and see if i get any other feedback on it.

According to the Britannic tradition, it is to that island that souls go when they pass.

'According to the Britannic tradition, souls go to that island when they pass' instead, perhaps? It's a simpler, more direct phrasing.

Know that it is there for you to breathe its fruity goodness, amid the isolation of the great Sunless Sea.

Hm. I'll need to try speaking it both ways. My default speech pattern requires the 'that', though i do understand the sentence is grammatical both ways.

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

The last breath is the one with which the soul leaves the body The soul leaves the body with the last breath, blessed by the salty water of tears shed by those in witness, and by those who later mourn.

I see your point, and i think it's a good one. However, i want the emphasis on the breath rather than the soul. I'll think on that one and see if i get any other feedback on it.

Hmm. And I see your point, but the passive voice is jarring. What do you think of something like "the last breath carries the soul with it out of the body"? My version is clunky, but you see where I'm going.

How about...

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

The last breath and the soul exit the body together, blessed by the salty water of tears shed by those in witness, and by those who later mourn.

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

Maybe "the last breath carries the soul with it out of the body"?

Bingo!

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

The last breath carries the soul out of the body , blessed by the salty water of tears shed by those in witness, and by those who later mourn.

Re: Bingo!

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

Perfect :).

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

The water and salt and sorrow of those tears help fill a sunless sea beyond the veil in whichwhere lies where an island lies;

Missed this on the 1st time. Hm. ...wherein lies...?

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

Hrm. There's nothing technically wrong with your sentence, but it ends up sounding like you mean the island is in the veil instead of the sea. Possibly because of the length? or maybe the order of the phrases? Will think more on this.

Maybe...

[dcseain.livejournal.com]

Beyond the veil, the water and salt and sorrow of those tears help fill a sunless sea, an island floating in its centre;

Re: Maybe...

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

Better.