Sailing the Sunless Sea - Rquest for Editing Help

Sailing the Sunless Sea is the theme for this year's Samhain service at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Silver Spring. I'm one of the presenters of the service, and my primary job is the opening words. Sailing the Sunless Sea is the primary theme, with a leitmotif of breath/breathing. So, my keywords for writing were:

• Grim
• Breath
• Sea
• Water
• Salt
• Tears

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( Here's my 1st draft (i started with a 0 draft) of my opening words. Feedback is VERY welcome )

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Edit/comment ruthlessly, please.